This review contains *spoilers*.
If you love Oreos or waffles, boys kissing, and overall cuteness then please read this wonderful story, I promise that you won’t be disappointed.
This is the kind of book that I had to read in one sitting while eating the best snacks and listening to my current favorite song because it was just fun fun fun.
I’m still in a happy daze.
Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda follows sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier, who prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight.
“I actually think people would be cool about it,” Martin says. “You should be who you are.”
I don’t even know where to begin with that. Some straight kid who barely knows me, advising me on coming out. I kind of have to roll my eyes.”
Fun fact—I actually started this book a while back, but I absolutely hated Martin and I got so mad at his character that I had to put it down, and then I never picked it back up (unfortunately so).
“Did you—did you take a screenshot or something?”
“Well,” he says, “I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“Sorry—you took a fucking screenshot?”
He purses his lips together and stares over my shoulder. “Anyway,” he says, “I know you’re friends with Abby Suso, so I wanted to ask—”
“Seriously? Or maybe we could go back to you telling me why you took a screenshot of my emails.”
He pauses. “I mean, I guess I’m wondering if you want to help me talk to Abby.”
Seriously, why did he think that was okay in any way?
And Simon kept describing Martin as a goofy kid that everyone in their school loves, but Martin has some serious issues and needs to take a huge step back to reevaluate his life choices.
I mean:
“And then she looks up at me with raised eyebrows and a perfectly round mouth, and I can’t help but laugh.
“That was so bitchy of me. I can’t believe I said that.”
“It was super bitchy,” I say. “You’re like a stealth bitch.”
“What did you call her?” asks Martin.
I swear to God, that kid pops up out of nowhere and burrows into every conversation.
“It’s okay, Marty. We’re just messing around,” says Abby.
“Yeah, well, he called you a bitch. I really don’t think that’s okay.”
Says the guy blackmailing a kid to ‘help’ him date someone.
I seriously despised him. And after some time he, funnily enough, started reminding me of Gabe from The Office—remember when Gabe started obsessing over Erin? That’s how Martin sounded like when he talked about Abby.
I’m sorry, but I just can’t get over how uncomfortable he made me.
I feel like I need to go listen to some really relaxing music because Martin’s got me all riled up.
And maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I was rooting for him to have a horrible ending. The way he handled Abby’s rejection was just completely disgusting.
To quote Simon, Martin is the biggest, most cavernous gaping asshole who ever lived. (And Martin’s email at the end pissed me off even more.)
But on a much more positive note, Blue Bram and Simon were so cute and grammatical.
“I can’t believe Bram Greenfeld dressed up. Bram from my lunch table. He’s this quiet black kid who’s supposed to be really smart, but I’ve never heard him speak unless he’s forced to. He leans way back into the corner of the couch, shuffling the toe of one foot against the other, and I never noticed it before, but he’s actually kind of adorable.”
Subtle foreshadowing. I love it.
It was an absolute delight seeing Bram and Simon together at the start because SIMON HAD NO IDEA:
“No fucking thank you, Abby,” Leah says, in this sickeningly pleasant tone. Except her eyes are like crackling fireballs of rage. She stands up abruptly, pushing her chair in without a word.
As soon as she leaves, Garrett looks at Bram, and Bram bites his lip. Which I’m pretty sure is straight-dude code for Bram likes Leah.
And I don’t know why, but it pisses me the fuck off.”
Little do you know…
Foreshadowing in books usually gives me too much anxiety, but because I spoiled the ending for myself (I couldn’t handle the not knowing the first time I started this book), I was just smiling throughout my whole reading experience.
“For one thing, both Garrett and Bram have been totally cool about the gay thing all day, which I guess I didn’t expect from a bunch of athletes.
Also, Bram is cute. Like, really, really cute. He stands a foot or so back from the fence, totally sweaty, with a white turtleneck under his soccer shirt. And he’s not really talking, but he has very expressive brown eyes. And light brown skin and soft dark curls and cute, knobbly hands.”
They are too cute.
Also, I loved Ms. Albright, she’s moderately badass for a teacher. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed reading about a teacher in a book. But she was definitely a pleasant surprise.
“Then she walks over to me and squats down in front of my platform. “You okay, Simon?”
I feel myself blush a little bit. “I’m fine.”
“Okay, well,” she says quietly. “Just know that those assholes are getting suspended. I’m not even kidding. I will make it my hill to die on.”
YES!
Also also, I love emails in books so the interactions between Blue and “Jacques” were absolutely delightful (their emails about middle school memories still make me laugh):
“Honestly, though? I think the real reason I had girlfriends was because I didn’t one hundred percent believe I was gay. Or maybe I didn’t think it was permanent.
I know you’re probably thinking: “Okaaaaaaay.”
—Jacques
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: Oct 19 at 8:01 AM
SUBJECT: The obligatory . . .
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.
(Eyebrows, butthole mouth, etc.)
—Blue”
Seriously, the cast of characters in this book were all so wonderful.
And there was this one part with Leah that cracks me up every single time
“And Leah’s also into slash fanfiction, which got me curious enough to poke around the internet and find some last summer. I couldn’t believe how much there was to choose from: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy hooking up in thousands of ways in every broom closet at Hogwarts. I found the ones with decent grammar and stayed up reading all night. It was a weird couple of weeks. That was the summer I taught myself how to do laundry. There are some socks that shouldn’t be washed by your mom.”
I seriously laughed out loud.
(And the email parts of this book kind of reminded me of A Cinderella Story and their interactions.)
“And then someone slides in beside me.
“Can I sit here?” he asks, and my eyes snap open.
It’s Cute Bram Greenfeld, of the soft eyes and soccer calves.
I loosen the seat belt to let him in. And I smile at him. It’s impossible not to.
“I like your shirt,” he says. He seems nervous.
“Thanks,” I say. “It’s Elliott Smith.”
I’m kind of hardcore grinning right now.
I’m really glad that we got to see those two get together and that it didn’t end right there. But I was expecting for the book to have 10 more pages, so when I turned the last page in chapter 35 and saw Acknowledgments written, I was so let down. (And this particular situation has happened so many times, but it still gets me every single time.)
This story was just so good and I’m truly happy that I gave it a second chance.
Also, I’m really pleased that Martin didn’t get a happy ending.
4/5 stars
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